What the hell even is a white person? You ever looked at a white person in winter? They’re pink. Or blue. Or blotchy like a freezer-burned turkey. “White” is a crayon color, not a race.
And let’s not forget the Dark Ages—when so-called “white people” were so busy praying and burning books they forgot how to bathe and lost the recipe for concrete! Then one day, they stumble into the Middle East, look around, and go, “Whoa! You guys have libraries and religion?!” Boom—Renaissance. Suddenly science was cool again, and they even whitened Jesus while they were at it. Just airbrushed the whole Middle East off the map and gave the Son of God a surfer tan and feathered hair.
You think white people have some ancient, pure lineage? Gimme a break. Pick 1,000 random people and I’ll show you 1,000 tangled DNA tests. Vikings got down with Moors. Celts mixed with Romans. Even the Romans were half North African. This idea that your great-great-great-whatever was a pale-skinned pioneer from purity-land? Fantasy. Total myth.
Here’s the kicker: melanin-poor skin—“white” skin—isn’t even that old. It’s younger than dairy cows. That’s right—cows were selectively bred from aurochs 10,000 years ago. Meanwhile, the genes for light skin in Europe didn’t even dominate until around 6,000 years ago. Cows were being milked before Europe got pale.
“White” is a modern American invention. A convenient club you get handed at birth. But genetically? Historically? Biologically? We all walked out of Africa, took a long detour through the Middle East, and got bleached by evolution because winter sucks and vitamin D is picky.
So next time someone tells you they’re proud to be white, just say, “Congrats, bro—your skin mutation is younger than cheese.”
-Written by Steve Caprio
